Hi guys, I recently just graduated from uni and I was so blessed to have been able to do this especially because I was pregnant throughout my last year but I excelled so I will be openly sharing my journey as a mother including all the ups and downs, the good and the bad because I want others like myself to know that they are not in this alone. I went through it myself and still am going through it so just remember we will get there and be the best mothers to our children. Just keep following my journey and feel free to share with me what you may be going through and whatever questions you may have.
I have always tried to envision how I would feel When I find out I am pregnant. I thought it would be one of those moments where I’d jump for joy and immediately call my mum and we would both celebrate over it and all those fairytale business. But no. In all honesty it was totally useless because the minute I found out, it was completely different from how I had imagined. I remember the day I found out. I remember the emotions I was going through but let me start from the beginning. 06/01/18 was the moment it all changed for me bearing in mind that I went out the night before and drank my self stupid. I woke up the next day feeling like shit but I had to get to the opticians to get my glasses. In the shower, I noticed my breasts looked way too swollen but like anyone who wasn’t expecting it, I dismissed the thought but on the way to the opticians, there was this lingering thought pushing me to get a pregnancy test so the minute I saw a superdrugs store I immediately bought one. However I didn’t do it till I got home from all my errands. When I did the test, as I was waiting for it to show up, i remember thinking it’s going to turn out negative, maybe my period is coming on but when I saw those lines, I could have almost mistook it for negative due to the test line being almost none existent. So what did I do? I went to Tesco and bought a clear blue double check test. One said pregnant and one said 2-3 weeks. Now I really began to panic. Like what the fuck was I going to do? I was still in uni, I didn’t have an actual job just one where I was working events and most of all mum is going to kill me. Then I thought about it, like really thought about it. I was in my last year of uni, I could get a job but I decided to wait till I was a few months gone before telling my mum. At this point, I had only told 3 people and they all said to me you have to keep it but I knew deep down that was always my choice. I couldn’t bring myself to have another abortion. As soon as this decision was made, I did the most logical thing I could think of and that was book a gp appointment to start my ante natals. I remember crying everyday and asking God to help with this child and give me the strength to carry on. I remember all the emotions like it was yesterday. I was Angry, scared, anxious. But most of all, I was alone. Just like a lot of first time mothers I didn’t know what to do or how I was going to do it, I just knew I was going to be the best damn mother I could ever be to this little bundle that I have been blessed with. Day after day, I became aware that there was this tiny person growing in me. I remember when I thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy and I rushed to the hospital. I have never cried the way I did at that moment and I remember the wave of relief that rushed through every fibre of my body when I was told everything was all right. I already loved my bundle before meeting him. My first ever scan was an eye opener. My baby was so small. Hadn’t even formed yet but there was my baby.
I made the decision to finish uni and with the help of my best friend I was able to get a job as a Sales Negotiator. All my sisters knew I was pregnant but I still hadn’t summoned the courage to tell my mum. My sisters kept threatening me to tell her or they would but I was so scared because I did not know how my mother would react because already we weren’t on good terms and I wasn’t living in the house. Coming from an African background, the last thing any African, well Nigerian mother wants to hear is that her 21 year old daughter who is still in university is pregnant and not only that but is keeping it too. I just wasn’t ready.
Fast forward to three months pregnant, I decided to summon up the courage to tell my mum. It really is her first grandchild and she deserves to be involved. I remember the whole thing. I said “I need to speak to you mum. I am so sorry. I’ve disappointed you again”. And my mother replied: “There is nothing you can do to disappoint me anymore. If it was any of your other sisters, yes but you? No. Just tell me what it is”. And I replied: “Mummy, I am pregnant”. Her reaction till this day shocks me. All she said was, you are what? And after repeating myself she just laughed and took off her jumper and got herself comfortable. The question on everyone’s mind was will she finish uni or drop out and I guess that became my mission. To prove everyone wrong.
The months went on, I got bigger but I still managed to keep my pregnancy a secret. I was working at least 58 hours a week, studying full time for my upcoming exams and even though I didn’t want to get up out of bed every morning, I knew I had to. Why you ask? The answer is simple. My WHY had changed. I was determined not to drop out but continue to the end of my degree. It was good only a few more months. Things were slowly getting better with myself and my mum. Everyone was coming to terms that sooner rather than later I would be a mum and there was nothing no one could do about it. Crazy thing is there are so many young first time mothers who don’t have the support from the start of their pregnancy and it is hard. It got to a point that I had to go to the council to make a homeless application because that was my situation. I was couch surfing and had no stable place to bring my baby into. There were times I broke down because I felt like I was already a terrible mother to my unborn child but that feeling only motivated me even more. Because I decided to keep my pregnancy a secret, that meant I couldn’t really speak about it or post my bump and honestly it felt refreshing because that was one thing I did have control over. There are people who have no one to talk to about what’s going on in there lives and it is really hard.
Im going to stop here for now.
Until next time guys.