The Fears!!

Hi guys, it’s me again.

So on this blog, I’m going to be picking up from where we left off the last time.

When I look at the situation I was in, it felt like a dream because it was one of those situations where you’d hear happening to other people but never in a million years believe it would happen to you. However, when you find yourself in a situation where you’re pregnant, practically homeless and have no support, there’s something about the situation that breaks you right down to your core. I remember when I was told by the council that I’d be getting placed in a hostel and the rent was literally my monthly salary from work at the time, I broke down right there and when I asked how they expect me to afford it, the woman simply answered you’d have to find a way. I remember thinking ‘is this what my life has come to?’ I was even asking myself if I made the wrong decision in keeping this pregnancy but I almost immediately dismissed that thought because at that moment in time, my baby was the only thing keeping me strong and I was determined to do and be the best I can as a mother to this innocent soul.

On getting to the hostel, I walked into the property and the first thing that came to my mind was ‘you have got to be kidding me’. This place was a dump. It was filthy as hell. This was however the only roof over my head at time and as they say beggars can’t be choosers. The hostel manager began showing me around to the kitchen which was filthy as well as the bathroom and even went as far as saying “We have cleaners who clean the property everyday”. I literally had to look at him and laugh. My response? “Well they are definitely not doing a good job so you may as well get your money back”. As I walked into my room and looked around at this small space, I had to bite my lip real hard because I refused to cry in front of the hostel manager but best believe as he left, I broke down, dropped to my knees and asked God for his help and strength to get through this. Where was the space to for my babies cot? Where was any space at all? To make things worse there was no WiFi, oh and no washing machine. Like are you fucking kidding me? My only options at the time was to hand wash the clothes or go to a laundrette and with my work schedule, the laundrette was not an option. As the days went by, the only thing that kept me going was feeling my baby move and kick in my tummy so believe me when I say if i didn’t feel him, no matter if it was fuck off O’clock, I would go to the hospital to make sure my baby was okay. People, understand this, the panic of not being able to feel your child opens up a whole new roller coaster of emotions you never knew existed because that fear of thinking the worst has happened is enough to get any of woman’s heart racing.

I remember one particular time, after a long day at work, I came home, drank a glass of cold orange juice and a bit of cold water (bearing in mind it was summer and I was boiling), I went to lay down in bed with nothing on because the heat was killing me and pregnant women tend to feel all sorts of cold and hot. These times, here I was expecting that my child would start kicking around in my womb like say there was a made to measure football pitch in my tummy or even a boxing ring as usual but nothing. I tapped my tummy and nothing so I tried to go sleep. Normally, he wakes me up at night with a kick but when I jumped up shortly after I had fallen asleep, I was convinced I had still felt nothing. Immediately I called the midwife and she told me to go straight to the hospital and this was really 3am. So I called the cab and when we got to the hospital and got me registered, I swear to you all, I was in that place waiting for almost 3 hours and none of these nurses were paying any attention to me. I was so jarred. Finally I got called in by one of the midwives who strapped me on a baby monitor machine. Imagine the cheek, as soon as I was strapped onto the machine, my child decided to kick. I do not know if it was the wave of relief I felt but I instantly bursted out in a full blown laughter fit….

Until next Tuesday guys xx

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