As Mateo grows up, I can honestly say it warms my heart just to see the way his face changes, the way his behaviour changes. It’s like he’s actually becoming his own person. Sometimes when I talk to him, I honestly think he knows what I’m saying. Like when he was between new born and 3 months, he had this adorable habit of smiling in his sleep and it melted my heart. I was in so much awwee moments every single time I saw. I was addicted to my baby boy to the extent of taking excess amount of pictures. There were even moments I’d look at him and break down crying. Not because I was sad but I feel so blessed and happy but at the same time my baby boy is growing up. Before I know it, he will have a girlfriend.

It’s crazy because there are times when I’ll be in the shower and I’ll be planning his 16th and 18th birthday. Like chill Xinia. The boy hasn’t even started crawling yet.

Recently, he’s starting trying to roll himself over in his cot the minute he wakes up. It’s like he’s playing a pecking match with his bed because when I watch him sometimes it seems like he’s trying to move by using his face. It’s funny but so cute. Like he’s really at that stage where if he wakes up crying and he sees me, he starts smiling. I swear it warms my heart up so much. Likes he’s mine. Not someone else’s child but mine.

However, as well as having his cute side, he’s also got his cheeky side. I don’t know if it’s because he’s teething or what, but today especially, he gathered up spit in his mouth and before I knew it, he spat at me 🤣🤣🤣🤣 and he really looked me dead in the eyes and smiled like haha bishhhhhh what you gonna do🤣🤣🤣🤣 boy you know there’s nothing I can do like you just playing with your Mumma now.

Speaking of crawling, I keep trying to give him tummy time to get him to crawl but it’s really hard especially when we’re still in this hostel with barely any floor space for him to crawl. Even more so, I have tried to speak to them regarding this and expressing how I urgently need a bigger space but instead it’s like it’s all falling on deaf ears.

If I am being honest, the fact that he is growing as much as he is and we are still in this hostel kills. I’m trying so hard to find a private property with landlords that accept DSS but it’s like they all fell off the surface of the earth. Sometimes it’s hard to keep the thought of it’s only temporary because it seems like no matter how hard I try to keep bidding, it’s like nothing all over again.

Being a mum is a hard job especially when you’re doing it alone. You deal with the tears, the screams, the dirty bums. Everything. When it’s just you, it’s enough to run you mad. I swear there was a point where I was having post partum depression because it was literally the same routine every single day. I wake up, I feed him, I change him, play with him, feed him and it’s goes on. It really doesn’t help having no one to turn too because your friends are at work or busy with their lives and you don’t really have or know mums who could be friends. It drives you to a really dark place where sunlight becomes an abomination. Honestly, if you know any new mums please, please, please, check on them. You don’t know what’s going on in their minds and they may not tell you but just the fact that you’re checking in means more than you may even know. Encourage them to leave the house, get some air, take the baby for a walk. Just do something different from the usual routine. Like mums really be going through it at times. It’s like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. I can’t eat, sleep, bathe, poop or pee unless Mateo is asleep. I can’t just leave him in the room on his own in this hostel. I’ve done it before and look how that turned out? I dropped the key down the bathroom radiator. I’m also talking about mums who don’t stay in a hostel. Even those who stay at homes or flats. It’s difficult for us to do what we want to do because baby needs us.

However, one common mistake that we as mums make is the fact that we don’t have to be okay but as long as our babies are okay we will be Okay. WRONG!!!!

Mums, we have to be okay within ourselves first. Mentally, physically. We have to. If we are not, how are we going to make sure our babies are okay? Once we’re okay, do you know our babies are okay too? Think about it. Especially breastfeeding mums. Just think about it. All the bad energy and vibe. They don’t need that so in order for our babies to truly be okay. We need to be okay.

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