Six months after giving birth and I can honestly say it has been a journey. There’s been ups and downs. There’s been moments where I’m crying tears of happiness and then moments when I’m asking myself what did I get Into. There’s also moments I embrace motherhood and there are times when I’m literally just want to yank my hair out.
When you’re doing it alone, it’s hard. Your life is not your own anymore. You can’t just eat when you wish or bathe when you wish or even go to the bathroom. I have to wait until my child is asleep before I can even do any of this but that’s what it means to be a parent. Your child comes first and that’s just the way it is.
As parents we do not want to feel like we’ve failed our children or we’re not good enough for them and it sucks because sometimes we do end up feeling like this. Take for example, about a month ago, the code to the hostel changed and none of the tenants were informed so unfortunately, if you leave the hostel, you will be locked out. When I got back to the hostel after a long day, I tried to get into the building using the previous code as I was not aware that it was changed. When I couldn’t get it, I started banging the door with the hope that someone would let me in. When no one was answering, I started blaming myself because at this point Mateo was restless and crying and my heart felt so heavy. I started to say things like ‘you don’t deserve this’ and ‘you didn’t ask for this life’. And it really broke me because at that moment in time, there was literally nothing that I could have done. It’s very tough because it’s moments like this that we start to get hard and tough on ourselves. However, there are so many precious memories that do make up for these. Just seeing my boy being able to roll himself around, or trying to sit himself up brings so much joy to me. When he smiles or laughs, it’s hard for anything to ruin my day because those truly are the best moments.
Currently he is teething and sometimes I do not even know how to soothe him when he begins. Before all I had to do was put him on the breast but because I started weaning him off way too early, he refuses the breast. Like it fully becomes war if I try to even put him on the boob. However, the minute he sees the bottle, it’s like that’s the best thing he could ask for. I’ll be lying if I said it didn’t suck but it did because all he wanted was me because I was the one providing him with food.
However, as he is growing, I am starting to see how independent my baby boy is becoming. He’s finding ways to sit up on his own, he’s eating actual baby food and he’s just growing into the perfect boy and I know this may be biased but every parent thinks their child is just perfect. Every night before I go to bed, I pray that God protects him and guides him to becoming an amazing man that i will be proud of.
All I can say to all my fellow mums out there is you are doing an amazing job and let no one tell you otherwise. We all went through that 5 minutes of pushing for this life time of joy and happiness and fulfilment because children are not and never should be seen as liberty but as blessings. My son is the reason I’m pushing to be the best. He’s the reason I’m going back to uni to do a masters degree because I promised myself and him that I will give him the best life possible and that’s exactly what I’m going to do….
Until next time