Growth

As Mateo grows up, I can honestly say it warms my heart just to see the way his face changes, the way his behaviour changes. It’s like he’s actually becoming his own person. Sometimes when I talk to him, I honestly think he knows what I’m saying. Like when he was between new born and 3 months, he had this adorable habit of smiling in his sleep and it melted my heart. I was in so much awwee moments every single time I saw. I was addicted to my baby boy to the extent of taking excess amount of pictures. There were even moments I’d look at him and break down crying. Not because I was sad but I feel so blessed and happy but at the same time my baby boy is growing up. Before I know it, he will have a girlfriend.

It’s crazy because there are times when I’ll be in the shower and I’ll be planning his 16th and 18th birthday. Like chill Xinia. The boy hasn’t even started crawling yet.

Recently, he’s starting trying to roll himself over in his cot the minute he wakes up. It’s like he’s playing a pecking match with his bed because when I watch him sometimes it seems like he’s trying to move by using his face. It’s funny but so cute. Like he’s really at that stage where if he wakes up crying and he sees me, he starts smiling. I swear it warms my heart up so much. Likes he’s mine. Not someone else’s child but mine.

However, as well as having his cute side, he’s also got his cheeky side. I don’t know if it’s because he’s teething or what, but today especially, he gathered up spit in his mouth and before I knew it, he spat at me 🤣🤣🤣🤣 and he really looked me dead in the eyes and smiled like haha bishhhhhh what you gonna do🤣🤣🤣🤣 boy you know there’s nothing I can do like you just playing with your Mumma now.

Speaking of crawling, I keep trying to give him tummy time to get him to crawl but it’s really hard especially when we’re still in this hostel with barely any floor space for him to crawl. Even more so, I have tried to speak to them regarding this and expressing how I urgently need a bigger space but instead it’s like it’s all falling on deaf ears.

If I am being honest, the fact that he is growing as much as he is and we are still in this hostel kills. I’m trying so hard to find a private property with landlords that accept DSS but it’s like they all fell off the surface of the earth. Sometimes it’s hard to keep the thought of it’s only temporary because it seems like no matter how hard I try to keep bidding, it’s like nothing all over again.

Being a mum is a hard job especially when you’re doing it alone. You deal with the tears, the screams, the dirty bums. Everything. When it’s just you, it’s enough to run you mad. I swear there was a point where I was having post partum depression because it was literally the same routine every single day. I wake up, I feed him, I change him, play with him, feed him and it’s goes on. It really doesn’t help having no one to turn too because your friends are at work or busy with their lives and you don’t really have or know mums who could be friends. It drives you to a really dark place where sunlight becomes an abomination. Honestly, if you know any new mums please, please, please, check on them. You don’t know what’s going on in their minds and they may not tell you but just the fact that you’re checking in means more than you may even know. Encourage them to leave the house, get some air, take the baby for a walk. Just do something different from the usual routine. Like mums really be going through it at times. It’s like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. I can’t eat, sleep, bathe, poop or pee unless Mateo is asleep. I can’t just leave him in the room on his own in this hostel. I’ve done it before and look how that turned out? I dropped the key down the bathroom radiator. I’m also talking about mums who don’t stay in a hostel. Even those who stay at homes or flats. It’s difficult for us to do what we want to do because baby needs us.

However, one common mistake that we as mums make is the fact that we don’t have to be okay but as long as our babies are okay we will be Okay. WRONG!!!!

Mums, we have to be okay within ourselves first. Mentally, physically. We have to. If we are not, how are we going to make sure our babies are okay? Once we’re okay, do you know our babies are okay too? Think about it. Especially breastfeeding mums. Just think about it. All the bad energy and vibe. They don’t need that so in order for our babies to truly be okay. We need to be okay.

I’m a Mother, Not a Social Outlaw!!

Whoever said being a mum is easy is an absolute pathological liar. I’m living the life and as much as I love my son, I will tell you openly that it is far from easy. Even though this may be the case, it is very rewarding. Moments when my baby smiles and laughs, it literally brightens up my whole day.

In all honesty, being a mum is amazing, however, there are moments where it seems like people tend to think less of mums just because we are mums. Don’t you dare think less of me because I have a child. Being a mum doesn’t mean I don’t know how to have fun, or I can’t be social.

I love it when I go out with my son and I don’t get treated like I shouldn’t be out.

I remember one instance where I was invited out for a birthday dinner and to be honest I was kind of looking forward to it. Then I get told, the restaurant does not allow babies. Me being me, I think well if she invited me, she must want me there, let me see if I can work something out with the restaurant. I called them up and spoke to them. They quite simply agreed and said it wasn’t a problem at all. So being myself, I called my friend and I told her what the restaurant told me. However, I didn’t know the reason she told me this was because I have a child. To be honest, i wasn’t pissed about the fact that she didn’t want my child there because I can understand that but it was the fact that she blatantly lied to me instead of being honest. To make things worse, I hear that she’s gone on to say I called the restaurant behind her back. Like sis, you invited me, you gave me false information. Like really? Just because I am a mother does not me I am incapable of social interaction. Do not treat me different because I am a mum. I may not be ready to go out without my child but I still have a great time with my friends and my son when we go out. I don’t need to be intoxicated to have a good time.

If you have a friend who is a mum or a parent in fact, do not make them feel inferior for their role, instead be there for them because we need it. It’s not easy for us.

XoXo

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Homecoming!!

My baby boy Mateo is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I know a lot of people say it but I never understood what they meant by that till I was blessed with my very own bundle of joy.

I will be very honest with you, I was scared. I didn’t know the first thing about being a mum and I remember thinking what if I don’t do a good job? What if I don’t do it right? What if he hates me? Bit dramatic I know but it was how I felt. We came home from the hospital on the day he was born to my mums and I literally couldn’t get enough of my boy. He looked so pure and fresh. He was so innocent.

It was funny because my mum was so adamant that we would be going to my graduation the next day even though I was really walking like a penguin. She helped me take my braids out while I slept and set her alarm for 6 am so we can start getting ready.

Throughout the night, my son was waking up for his feed and I remember feeling so tired but thankfully my mum was doing the night shift duty with me. I’d feed him and she’d burp him. Great team work!

When the alarm went off in the morning, my mum looked at me and said “is there any way to defer this graduation because I’m tired?” I looked at her and laughed and said, “I’m way ahead of you”. I slumped right back to sleep as my bubba laid in his Moses basket so peaceful.

Being half Nigerian means we have the perks of having a party to celebrate the birth of a new baby. 7 days after a baby is born, we have what is called a naming ceremony. Mum had begun planning it and inviting people to this soirée and if I’m being honest, I was excited. It was all in honour of my boy and I couldn’t be more happier. It was a time for all the nay sayers and the negative ones to see that everything they thought or wished to happen didn’t. In fact it was the complete opposite. I graduated from uni, and I have my baby hale and hearty and nothing could and would ever stop me.

I remember seeing how excited my mother was to have this bundle of joy in her life and it made me think back to when she practically wanted nothing to do with me or him. Life definitely has a way of turning things around. One minute, everything looks so bleak and the next? It’s like nothing changed. Weird right? Yes. However on this occasion, my life was about to change in ways I could have never imagined.

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Welcome to the world!!!

Throughout my pregnancy, the one question that always came to mind was “how will I know if I’m in labour?” and I got the same response every time; “you will know”. Honestly, this was probably the only truth I’ve been told. After knocking on my mothers door and telling her I think it’s time, she said you know if it’s not they will send you back home. I told her, this is it. I can tell. She rushed to get ready while I tried my possible best to do the same but I just couldn’t. You know when they say you don’t really know how bad the pain is until you acknowledge it’s there? Well that was also true. The minute I realised I was in labour, it’s like the pain levels literally skyrocketed and it was unbearable. I started walking down three flights of stairs stopping every so often due to my contractions being a minute and a half apart while my mother grabbed the hospital bags. It was such a struggle. I couldn’t bare to walk but I had to get to that car.

We get outside and mum realises she’s left the keys upstairs so guess what? I had to wait. While she ran to get the key, I was busy trying out the breathing exercises that I learnt in those birthing classes (well one birthing class and only 5 minutes long). Finally, after what seemed like forever, mum was back with the key. She helped me get into the car and off we went. The journey seemed like forever. It was like the universe was out to get me. We were literally getting stopped at every single traffic light. Like who did I offend? Bruh I was in so much pain. I kept squeezing the door handle and it felt like my body was going to explode. On getting to the hospital, mum tells me you go ahead, I’ll meet you there. For anyone who knows Homerton hospital, you’ll know that as soon as you walk into the hospital, there is a WHSmith and it’s not far off from the entrance. I swear to you all, it felt like I was walking for hours but behold, by the time my mother had parked the car and came to meet me, I hadn’t even walked past the WHSmith. Mum helps me into the lift to get up to the delivery suite and this whole time I was in pain. I couldn’t hack it.

Getting into the suite, I was waiting for only God knows how long before they called me in. Once they checked me and informed me that it was definitely labour and I was four cm dilated. This baby of mine was determined to enjoy its time in the womb before making its grand entrance into the world. I was in so much pain and when I was given the gas and air, after a few puffs, I threw it at my student midwife and screamed; “I need something strong and I need it now”. I was give an injection in my leg that literally put me to sleep for two hours. Even mum was shocked at the fact that I could sleep through labour. It was crazy.

I kept feeling like I had a strong urge to poop but my midwife kept telling me “oh don’t push, it’s the baby coming down”. After what seemed like forever, my midwife checked me and told me I was only five cm. Like wtf??!!!!?? What the absolute fuck? It’s been like 8 hours and it’s only been five cm.

My midwife was going for lunch, and brought in another excited midwife who literally seemed like someone shocked her with a huge ball of energy. My first midwife left the room but before leaving she said “don’t have this baby without me” 🤣🤣🤣🤣. Who do you think you are? God? Biissssshhhh please. Anyways, it got to a point where the pain struck like a blow and I felt this insane need to push. This excited midwife said if you need to poop then do it. Do what your body is telling you. I don’t think I let her finish her sentence before I jumped off the bed and into the bathroom with my mother chasing after me. Next thing I know, I start pushing and my baby starts crowning 😫😫😫😫😫😫. Midwife screamed to my mum; “Mum, the baby is coming”, then turned to me and said “so we can either have this baby here on the toilet or on the bed”. My mother didn’t even let her finish her sentence before saying in the most African way ever; “Oya carry yourself to the bed, you are not shitting this baby in the toilet”. So I did what I had to and believe me when I say I do not know where I got the strength from but I did it. I got on the bed and my midwife was so lovely. She kept kissing my forehead and telling me I can do it. When I started pushing, I have never felt any pain like that. The contractions were coming quicker than I could expect. I was pushing or at least I thought I was until my midwife explained that I was doing it all wrong. At the next contraction, I pushed and at 2:29pm the head was born. My mum was by my side the whole time, kissing my head and motivating me to keep pushing even though I felt like I couldn’t push anymore. They had to wait for my baby’s head to turn but I was still puffing that gas and air like it was the only thing keeping my baby alive but let me not lie, that gas and air was scchhhwweeettttt. I was on cloud 1000. This unfortunately relaxed my baby and meant I wasn’t getting contractions so my midwife looked at me sternly and said “stop the gas and air and on the next contraction, push”. I nodded my head, mum was caressing my forehead and when that contraction came, I grabbed hold of my mothers hand and pushed like my life depended on it. Waaahhhhh! Waaahhhh!! Waaahhhhhh!!! “Mum, he’s here”! Congratulations. 2:32 pm on September 10, 2018, my baby boy had finally graced up with his presence. I was in tears. Happy tears. I looked at him and grabbed him from

the hands of the midwife and kissed his forehead, held him close to my chest like my life depended on it. Midwife looked at my mum and said; “will you cut the cord?” And I have never seen my mum so excited. She couldn’t stop telling me how proud of me she was. As she cut the cord, she said let me check if he is really a boy. She screamed and laughed saying I have never seen a fresh penis before 🤣🤣🤣.

It’s funny because, I’ve loved but I’ve never been in love. My son showed me what true love is. My life feels so complete and I would do it all over again.

Till next time people 😘

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It’s Almost Time!!

Hello peoples!!

So you see where we left off the last time? That was really only a tip of the iceberg for what was to come for the next few months of my pregnancy. To all expectant mothers out there and those wanting to be mothers, I can promise you this: It will not be easy. There will be tears, happiness, joy, pain but believe me when I say it will be worth it in the end.

I was so far into my pregnancy that everything became struggle. Walking was a myth and part of my job included taking people out in viewings. This became a very impossible task, instead I’d just book the viewings and let my colleagues do the rest.

It got to the point that I started to get the worst back pain ever and this was due to my child’s positioning and the way he was coming down. Not once did I feel any pain in my tummy, just my back and it was not nice.

It’s very true when they say you get some mad fuck off cravings when you’re pregnant and mine was not exempt from the list. I was craving foam, toothpaste. In fact anything foamy. Not only that but I started loving cheese and I mean all kinds of cheese. I would eat it would olives, crackers and on its own. Now there were things that were not as weird like pasta, rice but that was about it. At work I used to snack a lot, on whatever I can get my hands on. It was the life 🤣🤣.

There was this weird time I was at work and I felt wet down below. I literally rushed to the bathroom and I was bleeding. My heart almost came out of my chest and I swear I could have died right there and then. I rushed to the hospital, scared shitless and out of my mind but thank God it was nothing. My baby was still fine and doing great.

You see it’s weird. It’s a miracle how women are able to carry a human in their tummy and nurture it from when it’s just a speck to a full grown baby. All this while, loving someone that you haven’t even met yet unconditionally is insane but it is the best feeling in the world. You become so protective of them, you start planning their whole life, you don’t want to think of anything harming them because it would kill you.

As my pregnancy went on, things were somewhat getting better with my mum. She was keen on me coming around the house more often just in case I go into labour. It was coming up to the end and honestly I’m grateful she was there. I remember when I had to have an emergency iron transfusion due to the fact that throughout my pregnancy, my iron was very low and I tried everything to get it back up but it never worked. So the last resort? Iron transfusion. I was so scared so I called my mum. She was so worried. She told me “wait, I’m leaving work. I’ll come and get you” and that truly was the first time I truly felt close to her. She stayed with me the whole time I was hooked up on this thing. Even after the procedure, she was adamant that I stay at hers so she can keep an eye on me. It felt good.

I was getting so heavy that walked became impossible. My back was constantly killing me. If I dared to sit down, I’d be lucky if I could get up. My feet were swollen and I was literally wearing sliders everywhere I went. It was the only comfortable thing. And no one judged. To be honest, I used to take public transport because driving became practically impossible. It’s crazy because people are meant to let you sit down right? Wrong. People would just look at me and go back to what they were doing and tbh I’d never push for it. I’d just stand up and look at them dead in the eye and wait for them to get up.

The day I went into labour was very crazy. I went into the early stages of labour on the 8th of September and funny enough that was my dads birthday and I remember my water breaking but you see these hospitals yeah? They are useless. How are you telling me it’s just Braxton hicks and it actually hasn’t happened. Do you know my body? Nope. So the next two days were just excruciating pain. The day before I went into labour, I had this insane back pain and this permanent stitch that just refused to go. I kept calling the hospital and they were oh no it’s just Braxton hicks so I called my mother. I told her “mum I’m in pain. I’ve got this stitch that is literally not going away” and she told me, get ready, I’m coming to get you. The one thing that pissed me off was the fact that I had bought creams that night but I could not eat it. The pain was too much. Mum came to get me and she picked up both hospital bags. We got back to hers and I tried to eat. Finally, I fell asleep. I woke up at about 4:30 am with the worst pain in my back so I thought hmmm let me have a warm soak. That should ease the pain. My baby wasn’t meant to be here for another day so I’m sure I’m not going into labour. I got out of the shower feeling hot as hell. I went to the kitchen, got a glass of cold water and went back into bed with my towel. I tried to fall asleep and got woken up with another sharp pain. This time it was worse. The pain was constant so what did I do? I started to time my contractions and lo and behold, I was contracting every minute and a half. It was happening. I laid in bed till I heard my mums alarm go off for work and went to knock on her door. “Mum, it’s happening”…

The Fears!!

Hi guys, it’s me again.

So on this blog, I’m going to be picking up from where we left off the last time.

When I look at the situation I was in, it felt like a dream because it was one of those situations where you’d hear happening to other people but never in a million years believe it would happen to you. However, when you find yourself in a situation where you’re pregnant, practically homeless and have no support, there’s something about the situation that breaks you right down to your core. I remember when I was told by the council that I’d be getting placed in a hostel and the rent was literally my monthly salary from work at the time, I broke down right there and when I asked how they expect me to afford it, the woman simply answered you’d have to find a way. I remember thinking ‘is this what my life has come to?’ I was even asking myself if I made the wrong decision in keeping this pregnancy but I almost immediately dismissed that thought because at that moment in time, my baby was the only thing keeping me strong and I was determined to do and be the best I can as a mother to this innocent soul.

On getting to the hostel, I walked into the property and the first thing that came to my mind was ‘you have got to be kidding me’. This place was a dump. It was filthy as hell. This was however the only roof over my head at time and as they say beggars can’t be choosers. The hostel manager began showing me around to the kitchen which was filthy as well as the bathroom and even went as far as saying “We have cleaners who clean the property everyday”. I literally had to look at him and laugh. My response? “Well they are definitely not doing a good job so you may as well get your money back”. As I walked into my room and looked around at this small space, I had to bite my lip real hard because I refused to cry in front of the hostel manager but best believe as he left, I broke down, dropped to my knees and asked God for his help and strength to get through this. Where was the space to for my babies cot? Where was any space at all? To make things worse there was no WiFi, oh and no washing machine. Like are you fucking kidding me? My only options at the time was to hand wash the clothes or go to a laundrette and with my work schedule, the laundrette was not an option. As the days went by, the only thing that kept me going was feeling my baby move and kick in my tummy so believe me when I say if i didn’t feel him, no matter if it was fuck off O’clock, I would go to the hospital to make sure my baby was okay. People, understand this, the panic of not being able to feel your child opens up a whole new roller coaster of emotions you never knew existed because that fear of thinking the worst has happened is enough to get any of woman’s heart racing.

I remember one particular time, after a long day at work, I came home, drank a glass of cold orange juice and a bit of cold water (bearing in mind it was summer and I was boiling), I went to lay down in bed with nothing on because the heat was killing me and pregnant women tend to feel all sorts of cold and hot. These times, here I was expecting that my child would start kicking around in my womb like say there was a made to measure football pitch in my tummy or even a boxing ring as usual but nothing. I tapped my tummy and nothing so I tried to go sleep. Normally, he wakes me up at night with a kick but when I jumped up shortly after I had fallen asleep, I was convinced I had still felt nothing. Immediately I called the midwife and she told me to go straight to the hospital and this was really 3am. So I called the cab and when we got to the hospital and got me registered, I swear to you all, I was in that place waiting for almost 3 hours and none of these nurses were paying any attention to me. I was so jarred. Finally I got called in by one of the midwives who strapped me on a baby monitor machine. Imagine the cheek, as soon as I was strapped onto the machine, my child decided to kick. I do not know if it was the wave of relief I felt but I instantly bursted out in a full blown laughter fit….

Until next Tuesday guys xx

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The Journey begins

Hi guys, I recently just graduated from uni and I was so blessed to have been able to do this especially because I was pregnant throughout my last year but I excelled so I will be openly sharing my journey as a mother including all the ups and downs, the good and the bad because I want others like myself to know that they are not in this alone. I went through it myself and still am going through it so just remember we will get there and be the best mothers to our children. Just keep following my journey and feel free to share with me what you may be going through and whatever questions you may have.

I have always tried to envision how I would feel When I find out I am pregnant. I thought it would be one of those moments where I’d jump for joy and immediately call my mum and we would both celebrate over it and all those fairytale business. But no. In all honesty it was totally useless because the minute I found out, it was completely different from how I had imagined. I remember the day I found out. I remember the emotions I was going through but let me start from the beginning. 06/01/18 was the moment it all changed for me bearing in mind that I went out the night before and drank my self stupid. I woke up the next day feeling like shit but I had to get to the opticians to get my glasses. In the shower, I noticed my breasts looked way too swollen but like anyone who wasn’t expecting it, I dismissed the thought but on the way to the opticians, there was this lingering thought pushing me to get a pregnancy test so the minute I saw a superdrugs store I immediately bought one. However I didn’t do it till I got home from all my errands. When I did the test, as I was waiting for it to show up, i remember thinking it’s going to turn out negative, maybe my period is coming on but when I saw those lines, I could have almost mistook it for negative due to the test line being almost none existent. So what did I do? I went to Tesco and bought a clear blue double check test. One said pregnant and one said 2-3 weeks. Now I really began to panic. Like what the fuck was I going to do? I was still in uni, I didn’t have an actual job just one where I was working events and most of all mum is going to kill me. Then I thought about it, like really thought about it. I was in my last year of uni, I could get a job but I decided to wait till I was a few months gone before telling my mum. At this point, I had only told 3 people and they all said to me you have to keep it but I knew deep down that was always my choice. I couldn’t bring myself to have another abortion. As soon as this decision was made, I did the most logical thing I could think of and that was book a gp appointment to start my ante natals. I remember crying everyday and asking God to help with this child and give me the strength to carry on. I remember all the emotions like it was yesterday. I was Angry, scared, anxious. But most of all, I was alone. Just like a lot of first time mothers I didn’t know what to do or how I was going to do it, I just knew I was going to be the best damn mother I could ever be to this little bundle that I have been blessed with. Day after day, I became aware that there was this tiny person growing in me. I remember when I thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy and I rushed to the hospital. I have never cried the way I did at that moment and I remember the wave of relief that rushed through every fibre of my body when I was told everything was all right. I already loved my bundle before meeting him. My first ever scan was an eye opener. My baby was so small. Hadn’t even formed yet but there was my baby.

I made the decision to finish uni and with the help of my best friend I was able to get a job as a Sales Negotiator. All my sisters knew I was pregnant but I still hadn’t summoned the courage to tell my mum. My sisters kept threatening me to tell her or they would but I was so scared because I did not know how my mother would react because already we weren’t on good terms and I wasn’t living in the house. Coming from an African background, the last thing any African, well Nigerian mother wants to hear is that her 21 year old daughter who is still in university is pregnant and not only that but is keeping it too. I just wasn’t ready.

Fast forward to three months pregnant, I decided to summon up the courage to tell my mum. It really is her first grandchild and she deserves to be involved. I remember the whole thing. I said “I need to speak to you mum. I am so sorry. I’ve disappointed you again”. And my mother replied: “There is nothing you can do to disappoint me anymore. If it was any of your other sisters, yes but you? No. Just tell me what it is”. And I replied: “Mummy, I am pregnant”. Her reaction till this day shocks me. All she said was, you are what? And after repeating myself she just laughed and took off her jumper and got herself comfortable. The question on everyone’s mind was will she finish uni or drop out and I guess that became my mission. To prove everyone wrong.

The months went on, I got bigger but I still managed to keep my pregnancy a secret. I was working at least 58 hours a week, studying full time for my upcoming exams and even though I didn’t want to get up out of bed every morning, I knew I had to. Why you ask? The answer is simple. My WHY had changed. I was determined not to drop out but continue to the end of my degree. It was good only a few more months. Things were slowly getting better with myself and my mum. Everyone was coming to terms that sooner rather than later I would be a mum and there was nothing no one could do about it. Crazy thing is there are so many young first time mothers who don’t have the support from the start of their pregnancy and it is hard. It got to a point that I had to go to the council to make a homeless application because that was my situation. I was couch surfing and had no stable place to bring my baby into. There were times I broke down because I felt like I was already a terrible mother to my unborn child but that feeling only motivated me even more. Because I decided to keep my pregnancy a secret, that meant I couldn’t really speak about it or post my bump and honestly it felt refreshing because that was one thing I did have control over. There are people who have no one to talk to about what’s going on in there lives and it is really hard.

Im going to stop here for now.

Until next time guys.