The Fears!!

Hi guys, it’s me again.

So on this blog, I’m going to be picking up from where we left off the last time.

When I look at the situation I was in, it felt like a dream because it was one of those situations where you’d hear happening to other people but never in a million years believe it would happen to you. However, when you find yourself in a situation where you’re pregnant, practically homeless and have no support, there’s something about the situation that breaks you right down to your core. I remember when I was told by the council that I’d be getting placed in a hostel and the rent was literally my monthly salary from work at the time, I broke down right there and when I asked how they expect me to afford it, the woman simply answered you’d have to find a way. I remember thinking ‘is this what my life has come to?’ I was even asking myself if I made the wrong decision in keeping this pregnancy but I almost immediately dismissed that thought because at that moment in time, my baby was the only thing keeping me strong and I was determined to do and be the best I can as a mother to this innocent soul.

On getting to the hostel, I walked into the property and the first thing that came to my mind was ‘you have got to be kidding me’. This place was a dump. It was filthy as hell. This was however the only roof over my head at time and as they say beggars can’t be choosers. The hostel manager began showing me around to the kitchen which was filthy as well as the bathroom and even went as far as saying “We have cleaners who clean the property everyday”. I literally had to look at him and laugh. My response? “Well they are definitely not doing a good job so you may as well get your money back”. As I walked into my room and looked around at this small space, I had to bite my lip real hard because I refused to cry in front of the hostel manager but best believe as he left, I broke down, dropped to my knees and asked God for his help and strength to get through this. Where was the space to for my babies cot? Where was any space at all? To make things worse there was no WiFi, oh and no washing machine. Like are you fucking kidding me? My only options at the time was to hand wash the clothes or go to a laundrette and with my work schedule, the laundrette was not an option. As the days went by, the only thing that kept me going was feeling my baby move and kick in my tummy so believe me when I say if i didn’t feel him, no matter if it was fuck off O’clock, I would go to the hospital to make sure my baby was okay. People, understand this, the panic of not being able to feel your child opens up a whole new roller coaster of emotions you never knew existed because that fear of thinking the worst has happened is enough to get any of woman’s heart racing.

I remember one particular time, after a long day at work, I came home, drank a glass of cold orange juice and a bit of cold water (bearing in mind it was summer and I was boiling), I went to lay down in bed with nothing on because the heat was killing me and pregnant women tend to feel all sorts of cold and hot. These times, here I was expecting that my child would start kicking around in my womb like say there was a made to measure football pitch in my tummy or even a boxing ring as usual but nothing. I tapped my tummy and nothing so I tried to go sleep. Normally, he wakes me up at night with a kick but when I jumped up shortly after I had fallen asleep, I was convinced I had still felt nothing. Immediately I called the midwife and she told me to go straight to the hospital and this was really 3am. So I called the cab and when we got to the hospital and got me registered, I swear to you all, I was in that place waiting for almost 3 hours and none of these nurses were paying any attention to me. I was so jarred. Finally I got called in by one of the midwives who strapped me on a baby monitor machine. Imagine the cheek, as soon as I was strapped onto the machine, my child decided to kick. I do not know if it was the wave of relief I felt but I instantly bursted out in a full blown laughter fit….

Until next Tuesday guys xx

The Journey begins

Hi guys, I recently just graduated from uni and I was so blessed to have been able to do this especially because I was pregnant throughout my last year but I excelled so I will be openly sharing my journey as a mother including all the ups and downs, the good and the bad because I want others like myself to know that they are not in this alone. I went through it myself and still am going through it so just remember we will get there and be the best mothers to our children. Just keep following my journey and feel free to share with me what you may be going through and whatever questions you may have.

I have always tried to envision how I would feel When I find out I am pregnant. I thought it would be one of those moments where I’d jump for joy and immediately call my mum and we would both celebrate over it and all those fairytale business. But no. In all honesty it was totally useless because the minute I found out, it was completely different from how I had imagined. I remember the day I found out. I remember the emotions I was going through but let me start from the beginning. 06/01/18 was the moment it all changed for me bearing in mind that I went out the night before and drank my self stupid. I woke up the next day feeling like shit but I had to get to the opticians to get my glasses. In the shower, I noticed my breasts looked way too swollen but like anyone who wasn’t expecting it, I dismissed the thought but on the way to the opticians, there was this lingering thought pushing me to get a pregnancy test so the minute I saw a superdrugs store I immediately bought one. However I didn’t do it till I got home from all my errands. When I did the test, as I was waiting for it to show up, i remember thinking it’s going to turn out negative, maybe my period is coming on but when I saw those lines, I could have almost mistook it for negative due to the test line being almost none existent. So what did I do? I went to Tesco and bought a clear blue double check test. One said pregnant and one said 2-3 weeks. Now I really began to panic. Like what the fuck was I going to do? I was still in uni, I didn’t have an actual job just one where I was working events and most of all mum is going to kill me. Then I thought about it, like really thought about it. I was in my last year of uni, I could get a job but I decided to wait till I was a few months gone before telling my mum. At this point, I had only told 3 people and they all said to me you have to keep it but I knew deep down that was always my choice. I couldn’t bring myself to have another abortion. As soon as this decision was made, I did the most logical thing I could think of and that was book a gp appointment to start my ante natals. I remember crying everyday and asking God to help with this child and give me the strength to carry on. I remember all the emotions like it was yesterday. I was Angry, scared, anxious. But most of all, I was alone. Just like a lot of first time mothers I didn’t know what to do or how I was going to do it, I just knew I was going to be the best damn mother I could ever be to this little bundle that I have been blessed with. Day after day, I became aware that there was this tiny person growing in me. I remember when I thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy and I rushed to the hospital. I have never cried the way I did at that moment and I remember the wave of relief that rushed through every fibre of my body when I was told everything was all right. I already loved my bundle before meeting him. My first ever scan was an eye opener. My baby was so small. Hadn’t even formed yet but there was my baby.

I made the decision to finish uni and with the help of my best friend I was able to get a job as a Sales Negotiator. All my sisters knew I was pregnant but I still hadn’t summoned the courage to tell my mum. My sisters kept threatening me to tell her or they would but I was so scared because I did not know how my mother would react because already we weren’t on good terms and I wasn’t living in the house. Coming from an African background, the last thing any African, well Nigerian mother wants to hear is that her 21 year old daughter who is still in university is pregnant and not only that but is keeping it too. I just wasn’t ready.

Fast forward to three months pregnant, I decided to summon up the courage to tell my mum. It really is her first grandchild and she deserves to be involved. I remember the whole thing. I said “I need to speak to you mum. I am so sorry. I’ve disappointed you again”. And my mother replied: “There is nothing you can do to disappoint me anymore. If it was any of your other sisters, yes but you? No. Just tell me what it is”. And I replied: “Mummy, I am pregnant”. Her reaction till this day shocks me. All she said was, you are what? And after repeating myself she just laughed and took off her jumper and got herself comfortable. The question on everyone’s mind was will she finish uni or drop out and I guess that became my mission. To prove everyone wrong.

The months went on, I got bigger but I still managed to keep my pregnancy a secret. I was working at least 58 hours a week, studying full time for my upcoming exams and even though I didn’t want to get up out of bed every morning, I knew I had to. Why you ask? The answer is simple. My WHY had changed. I was determined not to drop out but continue to the end of my degree. It was good only a few more months. Things were slowly getting better with myself and my mum. Everyone was coming to terms that sooner rather than later I would be a mum and there was nothing no one could do about it. Crazy thing is there are so many young first time mothers who don’t have the support from the start of their pregnancy and it is hard. It got to a point that I had to go to the council to make a homeless application because that was my situation. I was couch surfing and had no stable place to bring my baby into. There were times I broke down because I felt like I was already a terrible mother to my unborn child but that feeling only motivated me even more. Because I decided to keep my pregnancy a secret, that meant I couldn’t really speak about it or post my bump and honestly it felt refreshing because that was one thing I did have control over. There are people who have no one to talk to about what’s going on in there lives and it is really hard.

Im going to stop here for now.

Until next time guys.